27. 29th January 2025. Seasonally affected

 Not feeling it this morning. 

Feel wiped out, not quite awake, the edge of a depressive moment peeking over the horizon. The stuff I don't talk about, the stuff I try to work out internally in the calmest way possible. 

Could be an accumulation of:

No sleep Sunday night/picking Matty up from Manchester Monday night - 2.5 hours in the car starting at 9.15/last night's red wine/a run in the morning, the gym in the evening, possibly just overdoing it/the cat waking me at 6.30 this morning to go out and me falling into a really deep sleep after that, the kind of deep sleep that bleeds into the day and takes forever to shake off. 

Or it could be the fact that there's too many films to watch, books to read, guitars and pianos to play, too much TV, all this stuff to do and no idea where the time comes from. 

But it's probably the fact that I feel I replied to S's email incorrectly. Tells me about the health issue and I reply with Bloody Hell, I had no idea!

He'd joked in his own email about it, and I know him well enough to know he'd be laughing in the room if said out loud and I know the tone's right. But. I question myself. Endlessly. And when I question myself I question the fact that I'm questioning myself and then that becomes something that can't be shaken off. It's the obsessive nature of me.

And the email was filled with positive and everything should feel great, it feels there are moments to move forward with things but I'm sending out all this energy that's verging on inviting in the wrong thing.

So I'm working through it with this. Getting it down in print so I can make it look stupid and weightless. 

And I can feel the weight dropping off me as I type but I need to work on keeping it off as the day goes on, not making nothing into something, not creating worries from minor moments. This is me, this is how I work, this is how obsessive I am. Constantly concerned that I've offended someone somewhere. It's tiring and I keep working at it. 

Turns out, this is the most personal thing I've ever written. So it's very likely that nobody will ever see it. 

Your self. It's a constant journey isn't it? 

AND THIS:

It's two hours later. Writing the above did the trick. Writing that and doing the ironing while listening to this week's Gutter show (links to Huijsen and Kirkez from Bournemouth, Jamie Gittins from Dortmund) then sitting down with the Eno book (inspiration for doing this, though my current state isn't as consumed with travel as his 1995 seems to have been), moved on to writing some notes for Brief Conversation - I think I'd like a soundscape, something Eno-ish. Listened to John Cale's Academy In Peril, now listening to Eno/Wobble 'Spinner' from 1995. Remember it coming out, not sure I ever listened to it. 

Think I want the sound of the universe dreaming itself - something like the sound we heard in the car yesterday when I'd accidentally tuned the radio to 566khz on the AM and it felt like something was trying to break through from somewhere else, a tone that invited the imagination of a beat.

Picked yup the Squier VI to play along. A perfect tool, a bass for guitarists, playing something that felt like a dub influence. Echoed it on the piano with a switch from G to D with the fourth of each scale thrown in. Think there's something there. 

Revitalised, refreshed, ready. Jumping at every email alert sound that comes from the Mac. Expecting wonder.